Musings

Can you find someone when your own walls are as high as theirs?

Do you sometimes fall for the pretty little talk over the story behind it?

Running my hands through his soft hair is my most favourite thing.

But the walls won't come down baby..

So I settle down in my fortress and listen him sing.

The truth about you is beautiful.

And I wonder, can something beautiful be so hurtful?

When I try to trace my steps back to you, I end up lost.

There is too much sun in my eyes, too much cold in my soul and the heart pays the cost.

I am standing still right where you left the song, it lingers through my skin.

No hurt and no happiness comes close, to what I feel akin.

I don't know what it was that left a crack in this wall.

Words that you didn't say or feelings that I left unspoken, mystery of it all.

Meri Marzi

I could not resist adding my words to the trending #mychoice affair.

Before Deepika Padukone, Vogue and you&I thought about this, a gentleman conveyed this message...long long time ago.
He even shaked his leg and raised his arms to make his point. Go ahead and listen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAUVvddDJ0U

I just want to say that I believe in woman empowerment, yes. Every human being has the right to be free. That is how we were created, indeed. Somehow down the horizon of (wo)mankind's history, this notion altered and we were consensually agreed to be the 'weaker' one. All that said and done, we are evolving again and the new equations of being a woman will also change and derive unique results.

I would like to add only one more statement which was quoted by a great gentleman, also long time ago- 'With great power comes great responsibility'.

So when you make that choice, remember it is going to work as action-reaction. I do not have to explain that since you were a part of the action, you will be held responsible for the reaction. That is how cause-effect works, doesn't it?
Hence.. make that choice, O thou bold man and beautiful woman! Yes, I am talking to both of you. Just don't shy away from the responsibility either.
After all, how much ever wilder life gets we all live in a civilized jungle.

I am going to listen to that song again and raise a toast to #mylife and #mychoice and also the other #'s.
Cheers. Santé. Prost!!

Woman, unillustrated.

Almost an year has passed since the thoughts rustling through the corridors of time have been brushed and arranged. Sorry (to myself). For quite sometime now (or maybe since returning to The Homeland), a bitter feeling started making it's existence known somewhere deep inside. Call it uncertainty or weakness or fear or simply fatigue. Of what? That answer tip-toed into the chamber of secrets only recently. Fear, baap re!

Why, you ask, I fear? Because I am only a woman. Wait...let me rephrase that- 'only' a woman in this vast ocean of eyes that are always lurking alongside, mocking behind or lie in wait or just see me passing by to receive some unknown pleasure. I don't know what exactly. I am seen, judged, adjudged, commented upon, discussed and commonly concluded for being easily available. I cannot walk free in a land blessed with liberation and republic rights since 68 years. I should not/must not raise my voice, for those ears would listen and they sure wouldn't consent to what I opine. Those mouths that ridicule my being say the truth and I should only agree. No other way out, mind you.

Yes, I know that most of you would infer that I am acting like an extremist or wait... what's that word? Feminist, sounding positive. Maybe, but I am forced to narrow my eyes and view these dusty corners of my life take such important place in my life which surprises the blazes out of me.

What has given shape to these abstract musings is a movie that I saw- NH10. I don't know if I should say the movie is good or bad. But let me tell you, it is honest. It surely puts out this alarm or that panic a woman might have felt walking down a lonely street or waiting amongst strangers (men!) in a truthful and blatant way. What made me hold on to my chair was the utter brutality of all. This implicit arrangement that woman is property of a man. Not of the husband or the father or the family, any man would do. She is meant to bend down and if she resists, attack her with a blow to her abdomen, bring her down to her knees (where she belongs) and push some rat poison down her throat. Because that is what she deserves for being a rebel, rebel in the eyes of man, again any man would do.

I think what I wanted to express is that I don't feel safe. Sometimes, when these feelings overtake me, I want to stay confined to my walls and windows. I feel lost and exposed at the same time in my own home country. What a shame! I wish I could cuddle myself up and be lost in a world where I am allowed to be me, simple. Spread out your wings and fly, sure no problem! Read and write and re-read and re-write, is that even a question? Be a woman, well.. you are and O so wonderful!

This has been said and conveyed a numerous amount of times by so many of them around, what a woman feels here and how they have been wronged. I am not saying something new. But someone somewhere out there hasn't heard it yet, it seems. So, I scream again.

The Time Being

Empty walls staring at me, ask me of my next move.
My red case is packed but I feel something is amiss.
I feel like an intruder stuck between uncertain times ahead,
Time slips away from under my feet and I think to myself, ignorance is bliss.
A knock on my door awakens me and I am searched by his glance.
He takes my hand, smiles at me and my thoughts take a backward prance.

Wonderful moments peeking at me, tell me to slow down.
Times past are done and its time to begin what life is worth.
A long lost story whispered in my ears and those hidden tears showed up.
But the smile assured me to take heart and pass right forth.
A door opened and I saw the dawn breaking at the horizon.
Dark clouds were set apart, times melted that were frozen.

Peering ahead over his shoulder with a twinkling in my eyes, I smiled to myself.
Path unwinding ahead was steep here and high there but appealed my soul.
I started to arrange my hold and love spilled all over the shelf.
The walk had drained us of adventure and so we decided to stroll.
Aimless amble brought us to the fountain of wonder, set above and beyond.
I remembered the case from the present, tucked this memory and knew... to each other we belong.

Keeping this thought safe with me, I started to close the door.
Walls and windows smiled down at me and I was not a stranger anymore.
The taxi was blaring the horns and yes, it was time to go.
Remember this memory, I said to him, and miss me so.
A tear accompanied the smile this time and held me tight.
He prayed as we closed our eyes and I realized I would never be really out of sight.





 

Mirrored.

It was hanging, as usual, quietly on the wall,
I could see them images passing by.
Silently speaking about them memories all,
And I lay still wondering if I with them could, fly.
A time elapsed and one moment peeked at me,
I woke up with a startle and then drowned in the deep sea.


I was floating with my arms wide open, the sun setting in the sky,
Them birds returning back home and it made me cry.
Wandering alone, tired and breathless I felt my pulse,
Thought about the times I used to live on impulse.
Home is where the heart is, they used to say,
and my heart, I had lost somewhere on the way.


I hopped on the bus and decided to just aimlessly wander,
The road seemed never ending yet had a wonder.
I let my eyes flicker, sometimes it left me inquisitive, other times I felt a scarring joy,
I let the wind play with my hair and it reminded me of the times coy.
Making memories and packing my bags, I decided to say a farewell.
It made something ache inside me and now my heart has tales to tell.


I let time pass and decided to unpack my burden,
Moments like them butterflies sprang out and filled my empty space.
I stood up to take notice but swirled around with the colors so pretty,
Suddenly, something stirred within when I saw him waving at me.
I smiled back sheepishly, forgetting for the moment who am I,
I let him take my hand, as we passed over times higher than high.


Landed on a moment and it seemed like so much had gone past
I realized I had to say goodbye but I felt like a spell being cast.
Shook my head and came to my senses while I lay with him under the moon,
Broke his heart, burst the bubble and left him with a melancholy croon.
Heartless and careless, I just decided to move on with the time,
It was ahead of me creeping, I held on and decided to climb.


When I let go I was in another moment which seemed never ending.
Little did i know, that times were just beginning.
My sack was empty so I looked around to make a fill,
He caught my eye surprised and the time stay still.
Never repeat the same mistake twice, someone whispered. I warned him, like wind am I.
He laughed mockingly, swept me off and took me to moments so high.


I was swirling in a whirlpool of times, so forgetful,
searched for him and found him afar off drifting with the flow.
Called out and saw him grin back, made me feel awful,
I was broken and my pieces shone with a twinkling, he had stolen me steady and slow.
We are not meant to fly together, he exclaimed from the other side,
I tried to touch myself as I realized something inside me had died.


We passed by each other, while I tried to make up my mind.
Making illusions that someday we shall be intertwined.
Darkness surrounded me as I lost my direction,
He had drained me of all strength and affection.
Begged him to let me be and to gravity I surrendered,
Free falling through times again, to the wall I rendered.


It showed me the past and the times present,
Was I born careless or these moments had left me without any?
Looking for a meaning, to the new time I took an ascent,
Few mocked me and I was judged my them many.
Leave me alone, was my decision firm,
I was going to lead my life on only one term.


Ending up in solitude with vision of beauty in my eyes,
I flew by and thought of those birds in the sky.
No where to return to, I jumped up a hill,
Filled my sack with sunlight, dew drops and some dust.
I laid down and looked at the hanging on the wall,
She looked back intently and it was a carnival of mere rust.

The Nameless One.

Violet them hues, take away the blue,

take you back to that place, where there was hope anew.

She had been sitting too long a midst emotions shattered,

scared to touch them but leave them scattered.

Oh! The heart! Ponder upon the times and run back,

Leave her there and never return on this unwinding track.

 

 

I saw her standing there with her hands full with crimson, eyes like rubies red,

the hair too dry as the wind blew by, and the rumpled bed.

She had waited too long and laughed too hard,

Tired of pulling it back together and having her soul marred.

Oh! The times! They have been so unjust and cruel,

making her memories nothing but a rusted jewel

 

 

She took a deep breath searching for a moment of high,

eyes glowing like pearls as she gazed into the sky,

the stars hid themselves from the sadness, sighed she 'Like you am I',

The cold wind blew her dress, tattered clothes and bruised skin.

Found she was, yet something missing. She won yet lost within.

Oh! The truth! It was trying to set her as bird free

Little was known, that times gone had made her feeble and her heart refused to foresee.

 

 

Gathering whatever strength was inside her remnant, She finally behold,

as the only voice She had last heard became strong and times anew unfold.

The way that lay ahead wandered aimlessly and was not the chosen one,

But she had laid still for times unknown and come undone.

'There is no meaning after all!' to herself she spoke and answered the voice,

'You should have looked within before making this choice.'

She cared for many and loved too much ending up lost in the end alway,

with a tear in her eye and broken smile, welcomed she this new way.